


Ours is just a sorrowed talk

by voices_in_my_head



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: AU of AU, Mention of Child Abuse, the crew finds out about how Zuko got his scar, yes it's another fic inspired by Salvage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25792495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: "The Fire Prince had nightmares. This was something the whole crew had been aware for some time; he’d had a nightmare around the same night he’d started sleeping in the crew cabin. At the time, Panuk hadn’t found it strange, not when the kid had almost drowned and was surrounded by enemies.It didn’t take him long to start questioning just what it was that caused the prince night terrors, though. He didn’t speak often while it was happening; sometimes he grunted, like he was in pain, but that was about it. But there were the nights… The ones everyone tried to ignore, where he mumbled “please” and “don’t.”"AU after ch8 of MuffinLance's Salvage.
Relationships: Hakoda & Zuko (Avatar), Water Tribe & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 120
Kudos: 2734
Collections: AtLA <10k fics to read, My Favorite Atla Fics, Our Adventures in Bending, finished shit





	Ours is just a sorrowed talk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MuffinLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinLance/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Salvage](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21116591) by [MuffinLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinLance/pseuds/MuffinLance). 



> Yes, I too am obsessing over MuffinLance's Salvage. In case you haven't read it, do yourselves a favor and go do it now; it's a wonderful AU where Zuko basically finds a family with the southern water tribe crew after almost drowning in the middle of the ocean.
> 
> This is an AU after chapter 8 - the one where Zuko finds out his father wants him dead and shaves his head - where the crew finds out about his scar.
> 
> MuffinLance, your work is truly amazing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us and for letting us play in your sandbox.
> 
> This fic deals with child abuse and with the child victim in question thinking it was their own fault. So if that's not something you're sure you can deal with, please be careful.
> 
> Zuko, Hakoda and Bato are characters from ATLA, everyone else is from the imagination of the wonderful MuffinLance.

The Fire Prince had nightmares. This was something the whole crew had been aware for some time; he’d had a nightmare around the same night he’d started sleeping in the crew cabin. At the time, Panuk hadn’t found it strange, not when the kid had almost drowned and was surrounded by enemies.

It didn’t take him long to start questioning just what it was that caused the prince night terrors, though. He didn’t speak often while it was happening; sometimes he grunted, like he was in pain, but that was about it. But there were the nights… The ones everyone tried to ignore, where he mumbled _“please”_ and _“don’t.”_

Panuk didn’t want to know what made a barely sixteen-year-old sound like that, especially a prince, but he couldn’t help but to be curious.

And then came the night after Chief Hakoda suddenly started freezing Zuko out, which stressed him out enough that he didn’t want to be too close to him, but that also made his nightmares louder than usual.

 _“Please… Don’t…”_ were the words Panuk was used to. And then something that froze Panuk’s blood in his veins. _“Father.”_

There was a gasp from somewhere to Panuk’s right; maybe Toklo, maybe someone else. Pretty much everyone was a fan of the prince nowadays, honestly. Even Aake, no matter how much he tried to hide his soft spot for him.

Panuk was pretty sure everyone was awake, but no one was doing anything. No one ever did anything, except Kustaa, who usually offered Zuko tea once he forced himself awake. It wasn’t like anyone wanted him trapped in whatever terror his mind had conjured up, they simply didn’t think the chances of waking up a firebender and them not starting a fire when being startled were low.

So everyone just kept still on their hammocks until eventually Zuko woke up. As far as Panuk knew, the nightmare never ended without him waking up; Panuk had never woken up to Zuko’s scared mumblings only for them to eventually drift off and actually let the fire prince have a restful night of sleep.

Kustaa asked Zuko if he wanted a cup of tea, but instead he chose to start his work day earlier. Bato escorted him up to Aake, and there were several sighs of relief, like Zuko leaving had taken all the tension with him.

Panuk didn’t know what to do but there must be something, something better than just listening to Zuko having nightmares – reviving the worst moments of his life because surely, that’s what they must be, night after night after night… But Panuk also didn’t see a way that Zuko would simply accept to tell him how to wake him up without getting burnt. Panuk kind of wished Kustaa gave him some sleeping tea every night. He knew one could get addicted to it, and it certainly wasn’t the best idea when in the middle of a war but this… It was breaking Panuk’s heart.

He could hear Toklo breathing next to him and turned to his right. He was still awake and they locked gazes. But neither said anything. What was there to say?

Panuk forced himself to close his eyes; tomorrow would be better.

.

Tomorrow was not better. Because Panuk finally found out why Chief Hakoda had decided to give Zuko the cold shoulder. The Fire Lord had decided to cut off one finger from each of their men that he held.

And that night, Zuko’s nightmare was even louder. He once again refused Kustaa’s offer of tea, instead being led up by Bato for the second night in a row. Panuk didn’t search for Toklo’s eyes in the darkness, instead just closed his eyes tightly.

Something had to give.

But instead of things quieting down, shit kept hitting the fan and they were going to attack another Fire Navy ship.

It led to Zuko almost escaping, though Panuk quickly put a stop to it. He hadn’t been sure he’d be able to convince Zuko, honestly. Even if his chances of escaping were almost null, even if his best plan was to simply jump overboard and hope for the best…

There was a desperation in Zuko that Panuk didn’t understand. Like he’d already gone through this, the being a hostage, the looking for a way out every day.

What had happened to the Fire Prince?

But that wasn’t a question for that night. Instead Panuk focused, fought like he had to, happy Zuko wasn’t there with them. But he still ended up having his own fight, still ended up having to take a life.

Zuko kept having nightmares, not sleeping enough, working too much, and not engaging in the friendly banter Panuk had gotten used to.

He also flinched from his own fire and Panuk wondered how he’d finally gotten used to it, after whatever happened to his face had happened _(firebenders weren’t supposed to burn easily, right?)_. Panuk also remembered when Bato had first gotten back on the ship, how Zuko had lost control of his fire from all the staring, but how once Panuk had explained Bato had gotten burnt, he’d taken a few deep breaths and forced the flames out, like he didn’t want to remind Bato of any bad experiences. Like he knew what that was like.

And then, just a couple of days after Zuko had saved their ship, Chief Hakoda called him to his office and showed him the latest letter from the Fire Lord.

It took Panuk a ridiculous amount of time to decipher what he was reading. The words were plain, their meaning clear, and yet… It was like his brain just couldn’t make the connection between what he was reading and what was meant.

“The Fire Lord… Wants us to kill his son?” Panuk asked, with a slimmer of hope that maybe he’d misunderstood the words. But Chief Hakoda just nodded. Panuk leaned back on his chair. Then he raised a hand to his face, hiding his eyes from view. He wasn’t crying but he did feel… Sad, in a way he didn’t usually let himself, like none of them let themselves. But this was… Zuko wasn’t anything like Panuk had expected the prince of the Fire Nation to be.

Yes, sometimes he did seem to look down on them and to talk with too much of a commanding tone, but for the most part he was just… Kind. The way he’d kept catching the albatross-pigeon because _“you shouldn’t let them crash”_ and how angry he’d gotten in Sokka’s behalf when he thought Chief Hakoda had named his isopup after his son. _“You can’t treat your son like that.”_

 _Like what?_ Panuk wondered.

“What are you going to do?” Panuk finally asked, lowering his hand, looking Chief Hakoda in the eyes.

“He’s going to keep asking if his father’s replied,” Chief Hakoda answered, spitting out the word _father_.

“You should show him the letter,” Panuk said. “He deserves to know the truth.” Did he? Was this the best route? But he was never letting go while he thought there was a chance… To go home.

Chief Hakoda didn’t say anything right away. He settled for a nod in the end.

“Please get him,” he sounded older than he actually was, like there was a huge weight on his shoulders, even bigger than usual. How did you tell a sixteen-year-old boy that his father wanted him dead? Panuk didn’t envy Chief Hakoda’s responsibilities at all.

Panuk got Zuko and then he stood outside the door, making sure no one disturbed them, not even Seal Jerky. And he resolutely pretended not to listen to Zuko’s breakdown.

When Zuko finally left the office, it was with red eyes. But also without his top-knot. Panuk didn’t know the meaning of the gesture, but it certainly exuded finality.

Aake shaved the rest off, and clearly trying to make Zuko feel better about himself, Toklo brought it up at dinner.

“Your hair looks cool like this.”

“Thanks,” Zuko replied, looking down at his plate.

“We’ll help you style your hair until you find something you like,” Toklo continued and Panuk wanted to hug him, but instead forced himself to continue eating like he wasn’t paying attention to every single word being exchanged right next to him. Pretty much the whole room was listening to their conversation, really. They just wanted to make sure Zuko was okay.

Zuko frowned, “I guess it’s been a while since I did anything different with my hair.”

“Oh?” Toklo asked, curious, but also probably just hoping to take Zuko’s mind off whatever it was that had made him cut his hair – by this point he was probably the only one not in the known. Panuk felt kind of bad about it, but it was Chief Hakoda’s decision. And if he was honest with himself, he felt selfishly glad that Toklo got to live in ignorance for a little while longer.

“It’ll be weird not to shave it off every single day, I guess,” Zuko continued.

“You’ve been doing it for a while then?” Toklo asked and Zuko nodded. Panuk felt himself relax, happy they were having a regular conversation.

“Yes, since I got burnt. They had to shave it off to see…” He didn’t finish the sentence, instead just raising a hand and kind of waving it around his scar. Panuk didn’t feel so relaxed anymore.

Zuko had never mentioned his scar. Panuk and everyone else was curious on just how it had happened but no one was insensitive enough to actually ask. Or had a death wish.

“Right,” Toklo replied, his voice higher than usual. Panuk turned his eyes to him, honestly not sure if he wanted him to continue the conversation or to move on. Toklo apparently decided to take a plunge because he did continue. “When did it happen?”

“I was thirteen,” Zuko answered and Panuk couldn’t help but to inhale too fast. He knew it was an old scar, that it lacked the look Bato’s very recent one had, but… Thirteen?

“That must have been some training accident,” Toklo said, fake laughing, clearly hoping to dispel any tension of the situation.

Zuko raised his eyes and said, “it wasn’t an accident,” and the whole room… Stopped. There was no chewing, no ribbing each other. All Panuk could hear was his own breathing. His heartbeat was going faster.

Zuko kept looking at Toklo as he continued, “it was my fault.”

“You… You did that to yourself?” Toklo asked, sounding like he was close to passing out and Panuk made fists with his hands where they’d been laying on top of the table, because if that’s what had happened…

“No,” Zuko immediately countered, frowning, like that was a ridiculous idea. But if it hadn’t been an accident and if he hadn’t done it to himself…

“Someone did that to you? On purpose?” Toklo asked, disbelief all over his voice. Panuk didn’t blame him. Burning someone like that… It was torture, plain and simple. And at thirteen… Who could have burned the prince of the Fire Nation?

 _He’s been banished for years. His father wants him dead_ were the thoughts jumping around his mind but no, surely not.

But why not? The Fire Lord did want his son dead. What if this wasn’t the first time he’d tried to achieve that?

“It was my fault,” Zuko repeated himself. Panuk wanted to… He didn’t know what he wanted to do. Part of him wanted to leave this room, wanted to keep living in ignorance. The other part… was morbidly curious. But it still didn’t make the weight in his stomach fall away.

“What happened?” Toklo asked and Panuk didn’t know if he wanted to shake him for it or not.

Zuko blinked, then looked down at his plate.

“You don’t have to tell us!” Toklo immediately said and Zuko looked around the room, apparently realizing for the first time that they hadn’t been having a private conversation.

Panuk could see a few of the men look down at their food, but no conversation resumed.

“I’ve never told the story before. Most people just knew,” Zuko said and he sounded… Off. Not angry, not sad. Like he was talking about the weather and not a very traumatic event in his life. Suddenly Panuk really did want to finish the conversation right there, but he forced himself to sit quietly. This was Zuko’s choice.

“There was a war meeting. I begged my uncle to let me attend and he finally said yes. He said I had to be quiet, that I was there just to listen. But a general… He was going to sacrifice a division for a diversion. So I got up and told him he couldn’t do it,” he frowned and Panuk felt a weight on his stomach. He wondered what Zuko was thinking; if he still wondered on how anyone would sacrifice his own men.

“My father…” He continued, then paused for a few seconds before continuing. “The Fire Lord became angry at my outburst. He said it was an act of disrespect and the only way to resolve it was through an Agni Kai, a fire duel.”

He stopped again, frowned. The quiet went on for long enough that Panuk started to wonder if he’d ever tell them the rest, but eventually he did. Though when Zuko resumed his tale, it was with a gaze turned downwards, not looking at any of them.

“My firebending has never been great but the general was old so I thought…” He shrugged, “I could take him.” A pause. Zuko’s voice sounded shaky when he continued, “but it had been the Fire Lord’s war room, not the general’s.”

Once again, Panuk got the urge to get up and run away. He wanted to cover his ears; he already knew how this story was going to end.

But it turned out he didn’t know just how bad it actually got.

“When I saw it was my father…” Zuko’s words were coming out faster, slightly louder too. “I got on my knees and begged for mercy but he just said I had to fight for my honor.” Panuk felt like throwing up, but all he did was force himself to listen, like everyone else in the room.

“He said _you will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher._ And then he grabbed my face and lit up one hand.”

There was silence. Panuk could see Toklo crying from the corner of his eye, the way tears were rolling down his cheeks, silently. Panuk wasn’t crying, but he felt pretty close to it.

The fact that Zuko had begged for mercy and his father had still hurt him in that way… Panuk felt sick to his stomach.

“He said I was banished until I found the Avatar, that it was the only way to recover my honor.”

For the first time in his whole life, Panuk felt glad he wasn’t a waterbender, because otherwise he was pretty sure he’d just have killed everyone on this ship.

He remembered Zuko’s words at the beginning of his story – _it was my fault._ Did he really believe that? That he had acted shamefully? Had that been his thoughts when he’d seen the latest letter from the Fire Lord, how he wanted him dead? That the Fire Lord had decided… Decided he could never recover his honor so he might as well be dead?

“Zuko,” Toklo called Zuko’s name, tears still rolling down his cheeks, having made no move to hide them away. “It wasn’t your fault,” his voice didn’t leave any room for disagreements. It was possibly the first time Panuk had ever heard him so serious.

“I acted shamefully-” Zuko started but was interrupted, though not by Toklo nor Panuk.

“You didn’t,” Bato said, also in a voice that didn’t allow arguments. “Your father did.”

“But-”

“You were a child. His child; he should have never showed you anything but love and kindness,” this time the words came from Ranalok, someone who had taken some time to warm up to Zuko but who in that moment Panuk didn’t doubt would try to kill the Fire Lord with his own bare hands. The same look was in everyone’s eyes, really.

“You didn’t deserve it,” Tuluk said, the one who’d first seen Zuko’s unconscious body on the water.

Zuko hid his face on his hands. Panuk could see his shoulders shaking, though he cried silently. Panuk wondered where he’d gotten that habit, guessed there wasn’t really much room for imagination, not after this.

_Please… Don’t… Father…_

“Is there a way to wake you up safely?” Panuk suddenly asked. He should have said something else but that was all that was on his mind. He wasn’t going to let his friend go through his night terrors alone ever again.

“What?” Zuko asked, raising his head, tear tracks on his face.

“You shouldn’t be trapped in a nightmare every single night,” Panuk said, seriously. If there was any way to prevent it…

Zuko blinked. He wiped his face with his sleeve before he answered. “You don’t have to do that. I’m the one who’s weak.”

Panuk couldn’t help the look of anger that crossed his face at that and Zuko immediately leaned back, as if struck. Panuk forced himself to relax; how often had Zuko seen a look like that while growing up?

“Zuko,” Chief Hakoda called his name, getting up from the table to their right. He walked towards Zuko, who looked ready to bolt at any moment. Chief Hakoda lowered himself to one knee, not touching Zuko at all. “Panuk is not angry at you. None of us are. We’re angry at your father.”

“But-” Zuko started again, disbelieving, even though Panuk knew at least his uncle seemed to love him very much.

“And he’s right. You shouldn’t be trapped in a nightmare. It should be your father’s nightmare. What he did to you… I hope he’s haunted by it every day and every night.”

Zuko was back to crying, this time with hiccups. Chief Hakoda had his hands into fists, his body leaning slightly forward. It was probably taking everything in him not to hug Zuko right there, but he didn’t want to touch him without his consent.

Panuk wondered if he should leave, if it was better to let Zuko have his breakdown alone. But he didn’t want Zuko to ever think he was alone, that they didn’t care.

“You can call my name,” Zuko finally said, in a low tone, face still turned down. “Just don’t touch me.”

Panuk nodded, eyes glinting.

They stayed like that for a while longer. Zuko just looking down, Chief Hakoda on his knee, Toklo, Panuk and the rest of them a silent presence. Panuk hoped Zuko was taking strength from it, that he was seeing that they weren’t ashamed of him, that they cared for him and that they weren’t leaving.

No matter; Panuk would take every chance he got to show that. And from the determined looks around the room, he wasn’t alone.


End file.
